From the desk of Renfield
Personal assistant to Count Andrew Von Fafsala Lockwuud
Hello. I don’t have much time, so I’ll cut to the chase while Count Von Fafsala Lockwuud and Countess Pearlticia are slumbering in their coffins. They're pretty heavy sleepers, but the sun will set shortly and I’ll be busy tending to their sick needs the same way I've been doing for the last three centuries...
I didn’t see your name (or even your soul) on the list of victims, um, “people” signing up for the 10% off Financial Aid Consulting promo that ended last night, midnight.
But come a little closer, so I can whisper something in your ear (sorry about my breath, big breakfast of insects today):
I can still get you in for the same deal that expired yesterday. You just have to sign up before the Count and Countess rise again. If you keep this between us, they won’t know anything about it, so they won’t punish me.
Which is a bit...
Good eeeeeve-a-ning (it's dark somewhere in the word),
At midnight tonight, our offer expires as abruptly and savagely as a stake through a heart...
10% off our Financial Aid Warrior, financial aid consulting service (plus a "wicked awesome," fast-action bonus worth $497 - see below).
Financial Aid Warrior is our "silver bullet" financial aid consulting and applications prep (FAFSA, CSS Profile) service that gets you every last bloody dollar that you deserve to get, possibly even more…
…steering you clear of the horrible, blood-sucking monstrous mistakes that lie, lurking in the shadows for poor, sweet, unsuspecting you…
…ready to POUNCE and rob you blind of the financial aid and scholarship money you otherwise should have won!
This limited-time, about-to-kick-the-bucket promo allows you to enroll for an instant, tuition-SLASHING scholarship of 10% off (if you beat the devil, and countdown clock):
It's Friday the 13th and I'm super busy, so I’ll make this quicker than a scurrying rat - you're looking at only two days left to take advantage of our “Halloween” special.
Until the Witching Hour, midnight Eastern time, Sunday night, you get 10% off our Financial Aid Warrior financial aid consulting program...
...and a $497 Early Action BONE-us that we just dug up from the vault :)
To get your double discount (on our service and on college tuition!), simply go here right now.
This just in: we added a budget-friendly payment plan to your cash flow, discounted as well:
Each discounted option expires suddenly, without warning 10/15 -- Midnight!
(Don’t worry that I’m telling you two days in advance that something will expire without warning. It makes perfect sense to me. But then again, I...
(I know it's morning, just go with it.)
My undead but lovely Countess Pearlticia and I have never done anything like this in our 350+ years together, but right now, you can invite us (careful!) into your corner to help you conquer the FAFSA, CSS Profile and all other of your financial aid demons for 10% off - AND claim a big fat bonus (see below)!
Why are we doing this goofy Halloween sale and gutting our prices?
Apparently First Son Hunter Biden used about $40,000 of his daughter's 529 college savings fund for drugs and prostitutes, according to the IRS.
These are not "Qualified Higher Education" expenses under the Department of Treasury Rules, so I can see why they're miffed.
Here are some other, non-qualified things you can do with your 529:
Proper use of the 529 is pretty much limited to direct college expenses, such as tuition, rent, books and even laptops.
I don't know if Hunter used his 529 for The Laptop. He would not turn my calls.
But here's the thing about the 529...
In financial aid, it PENALIZES, meaning, reduces your eligibility for aid. Pretty weird, right?
One one hand, the government incentivizes you to save for college by creating the 529 plan.
On the other hand, if you actually DO save money this way, you'll receive less financial...
Ahoy! We're about to hit the airwaves with The New Rules of College Admissions and Financial Aid.
You can still stop by and learn...
Even though I've been a college advisor for 21+ years, I admit that I still have a hard time understanding how things got so topsy turvy.
It's rare for a week to go by without a parent commenting to me, "When did things get so complicated?"
College costs are out of hand. And college admissions are kah-ray-zee!
There's no rhyme or reason. Yesterday's "Safety Schools" are today's Impossible Dreams.
Case in point: Northeastern University.
When I was a wee lad growing up in the 1980's in the Boston suburbs, Northeastern admitted 90% of its applicants. I hate to say it but here I go:
That's where you went if you couldn't get into any other college!
Last year: 6.7% acceptance rate.
You read that right, it wasn't a typo. How did this happen?
In a word, "marketing." Northeastern gamed the system, specifically US News and World Report, to rush the charts and become...
In less than five hours -- midnight tonight -- we're pulling the plug on our last-minute, 11th hour college applications and essays "express" program, The November Sprint.
That means that, if you want help putting together a (nearly) perfect college application and a set of essays so compelling that admissions officers would (practically) crawl naked over broken glass to BEG your child to attend their college...
...In what looks like to be the most competitive, ridiculous college acceptance cycle ever (did you see last year's acceptance rates? Brace yourself!)...
It's time to make your choice.
Either sign up with us, so that our years of specialized college essay and college advising expertise is in your corner -- expertise that has helped our clients get into every top college you can think of...
...or, let this chance slip through your fingers and "wing it."
You've got an important decision to make. If you chose us, we're ready to go to work for you...
College essays and applications don't have to be complicated.
I'd argue that the simpler, the better. That's how you avoid stress, frustration and confusion.
That's exactly why we designed the November Sprint, an "express" college advising program for high school seniors who are still treading water with their college list, applications and essays.
It's time to dive in and rescue them.
If you (really, your kiddo) are ready to roll up your sleeves and put together a winning application that positions yourself as an "Incomparable Applicant"...
...so that you give yourself the best shot at getting into your Dream School -- and winning tens of thousands of fat, juicy scholarships...
Then it's critically important that you take action right now, before we pull the rug out from under this offer.
It's go time.
- Andy Lockwood
P.S. If you're like most parents we know, you've done a LOT for your kid: spent thousands of dollars and...
Sometimes, I'm not exactly tactful.
Case in point, last week I was sitting with an 11th grader, reviewing his grades, PSATs, extracurricular activities and preliminary, highly selective, college list.
I told him that his record was pretty strong. But..."Don't take this the wrong way," I offered.
When you throw your hat into the ring with thousands of kids with equal or better accomplishments, you become something else:
A Dime a Dozen
Colleges are businesses, they sort, exclude and choose kids for acceptance based on their own internal desires and guidelines, some of which have nothing to do with an applicant's qualifications.
A LOT of which, actually.
So if you agree that colleges are actually in business (despite their non-profit status - hah), you might see why I implore my clients to understand things a bit differently about themselves:
They Too Are in Business
They're in the business of getting into the colleges they want, and to win scholarships.