'Twas the Night Before FAFSA

It's Christmas Eve, so I thought I'd dust off this not-so-updated, yet borderline classic entry from the Lockwood archives:

Twas the night before FAFSA

And all through the nation

Parents were sweating bullets

Over the cost of higher education

“These forms are so annoying!”

One poor father cried

As he sat shuffling papers 

While a part of him died

“Honey, what’s the big deal?” 

The mother inquired

“Our daughter always gets the best

Even if you can’t ever retire!”

“I’m all for a great college”

The father sniffled and sobbed

“But I’d hate to pay for rock climbing and safe spaces

Unless they help her get a job”

The mom stopped and stared

And gave dad the stink-eye

So he turned back to his FAFSA

With a shrug and a sigh

But he just couldn’t let it go

Because in his assessment

College is a huge  rip off

With no return on investment

“Does she even have to go?”

He wondered to himself

“Why can’t she just read a few books

On any library bookshelf?”

Lost in his thoughts

He became more dismayed

Because he knew even Ivy League grads

Don’t have it made in the shade

Alas, he knew better than to argue

He knew not to bicker

Even as he realized 

He’d pay a quarter mill for a dumb rear window sticker

So he snapped out of his fog

And turned back to see

If he filed his FAFSA

Whether he’d get a reasonable EFC

“They want me to pay WHAT?”

The dad went ballistic

“What orifice should I pull that from?

How can they be so unrealistic?”

“I played by the rules

I saved how I was advised

I lived below my means

But now I’m being penalized!”

On that cold winter’s night

He entered his own private hell

Because “winging it” in college planning

Almost never ends well

But suddenly, he remembered

A tip from a college guy

He corrected his FAFSA

Giving it the old College Try

This time, the result was different!

The dad was MUCH less stressed

Now he could afford to send his daughter

Where she could cut class, party and protest!

Which change did he make?

What type of damage control?

He remembered a strategy

A little-known loophole

Financial aid rules are wacky

The regulations obscene

They go on for more than 1,100 pages

They’re punitive and Byzantine

But sometimes a family

With a little planning and luck

Can level the playing field

So they avoid getting...hosed

Thankfully, all ended well

For this mom, dad and child

And dad got to put this behind him

And forget about financial aid for a while

Colleges are now ridiculously expensive

It’s one massive shakedown  

Yesterdays’ “Safety Schools” are now “Reaches”

The whole world is upside down

But if you take a breath and pause

And focus on the Long Game

You’ll realize that caring only on four years

Is borderline insane

If he’s a hard working, friendly kid

And hangs with folks who share his disposition

He’ll have an edge when he graduates

And goes up against his entitled competition

Take comfort this holiday and admissions season

That things will work themselves out

Your kid will end up where he belongs

So there’s no need to freak out!

Happy holidays!